Sunday, January 22, 2012
I fit in!
Great weekend. I actually got to spend some time with my roommates and a couple people from work. I feel like I'm finally settling into here. :)
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Classes and love.
I started classes and they're all going pretty well, so far. I haven't had World Literature, it was cancelled for the week but that didn't stop my teacher from assigning a bunch of homework. I had to drop my British Literature class and pick up English Literature. Apparently, it's focused towards English majors so I'll have that for the first time tomorrow. I'm nervous, I have never changed my schedule therefore; I've never missed the first day of class. Fingers crossed all goes well. I can already tell from my planner that I will have a very busy semester. My financial situation worked out, I got my refund check and it was twice as much as I thought it would be. THAT was a huge stress reliever for me and on top of that, my loans were deferred until I graduate so I'm set! No more freaking out for me, everything worked out.
On another note, I know that I said that I wasn't worried about boys this year.. well, anyone who is a girl and reading this knows that I was full of shit. Boys will always be a part of my life, especially since majority of my friends are guys and well, I got to school with a number of people that I was once involved with. Also, I have a lot of girl friends that come to me and talk to me about their exes, current boyfriends and potential partners. With that, I have a question. Can exes be friends? Or is it just destined that exes walk past each other like they don't know each other. I have always tried to be friends with my exes no matter how significant or insignificant our relationship was. The way I see it is that a relationship is made of two people who have decided to commit themselves to each other. They are monogamous and faithful to one person, enjoying each other's company and growing together. Now, growing together doesn't always happen and some couples end up growing apart. At that time, they decide to split ways.
I have only been in long-term relationships so I may see it differently than some but I know that when Alex and I broke up, we still talked. We were together for two years, after that amount of time, how do you just cut someone out of your life like they never existed? Alex and I are friends and he talks to me about his current girlfriend without it bothering me. At one point, we were in love, but just because we aren't now doesn't mean that a friendship can be formed. Right? We chose to be in each other's lives for a reason. Having a platonic relationship doesn't mean that the reasons don't exist anymore. I started dating him because he made me laugh and was easy to get along with. We just worked and those are the same reasons that I have kept him as a friend.
That's how I've always thought but now I'm beginning to see that maybe that's not how it is. Maybe I've been crazy to think that exes can be friends with one another. I've passed one of my exes three times in the past 24hours and it's like the two years we shared never happened. He seems like a stranger now. An onlooker would have no idea that at one point, our lives crossed paths let alone that we were in love with each other. A part of me yearns to have a friendship with him, to have the ability to talk to him about his life and what has happened in the past 10 months since our final goodbye. I know that he has a new girlfriend, they've been dating almost the same amount of time that we've been broken up. I've known about her and have moved on from him and yet, the silence remains between us. However; the other part is thinking that maybe this is how it is supposed to be. My dad once told me, "When you were really in love with someone, you can't just be friends with them."
On another note, I know that I said that I wasn't worried about boys this year.. well, anyone who is a girl and reading this knows that I was full of shit. Boys will always be a part of my life, especially since majority of my friends are guys and well, I got to school with a number of people that I was once involved with. Also, I have a lot of girl friends that come to me and talk to me about their exes, current boyfriends and potential partners. With that, I have a question. Can exes be friends? Or is it just destined that exes walk past each other like they don't know each other. I have always tried to be friends with my exes no matter how significant or insignificant our relationship was. The way I see it is that a relationship is made of two people who have decided to commit themselves to each other. They are monogamous and faithful to one person, enjoying each other's company and growing together. Now, growing together doesn't always happen and some couples end up growing apart. At that time, they decide to split ways.
I have only been in long-term relationships so I may see it differently than some but I know that when Alex and I broke up, we still talked. We were together for two years, after that amount of time, how do you just cut someone out of your life like they never existed? Alex and I are friends and he talks to me about his current girlfriend without it bothering me. At one point, we were in love, but just because we aren't now doesn't mean that a friendship can be formed. Right? We chose to be in each other's lives for a reason. Having a platonic relationship doesn't mean that the reasons don't exist anymore. I started dating him because he made me laugh and was easy to get along with. We just worked and those are the same reasons that I have kept him as a friend.
That's how I've always thought but now I'm beginning to see that maybe that's not how it is. Maybe I've been crazy to think that exes can be friends with one another. I've passed one of my exes three times in the past 24hours and it's like the two years we shared never happened. He seems like a stranger now. An onlooker would have no idea that at one point, our lives crossed paths let alone that we were in love with each other. A part of me yearns to have a friendship with him, to have the ability to talk to him about his life and what has happened in the past 10 months since our final goodbye. I know that he has a new girlfriend, they've been dating almost the same amount of time that we've been broken up. I've known about her and have moved on from him and yet, the silence remains between us. However; the other part is thinking that maybe this is how it is supposed to be. My dad once told me, "When you were really in love with someone, you can't just be friends with them."
Saturday, January 14, 2012
F this.. I'm moving back home.
I really thought that I could handle being financially independent. I registered for classes on my own, got FAFSA set up, found an apartment for cheap and got a job setup. I thought that I could do this and now, I don't think I can. I should have gone to UNCC like my parents told me to and kept my job at Johnny Brusco's. In a 6 hour shift at JB's, I walked out the door with $86 in my pocket. I work a 4 1/2 shift at The Peddler and I wait two weeks for a paycheck getting paid minumum wage. Don't get me wrong, I love my new job and I am really enjoying meeting all of my new coworkers but my ends won't be met. I'm considering getting a second job on top of my school work because I'm freaking out. I have loans so I can go to school and apparently taking a semester off screwed me over. I owe $200 on my loans right now, I barely have that in my bank account and once February 1st comes, so do the bills for my phone, credit card, rent, utilities, and my laptop. Someone please tell me how I can turn the $300 that I have into $1000 in... oh let's say, about two weeks.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Growing up.
Today, I just realized that I am twenty-one. I knew that I could buy drinks legally and get into bars after 10pm. I've known that I was twenty-one, it was an age that I wanted to get to since I turned fifteen. That's not what I mean.
I walked into work tonight and when I walked to the hostess stand, there was a conversation going on that I walked into the middle of. It was between my assistant manager and another hostess. From what I heard it was about what I assumed to be her boyfriend. He walked another girl home from a bar but told his girlfriend (the hostess) that nothing happened. Later, he admitted that he had done more with her and had cheated on her.
Throughout the night, we got to talking about this guy and what happened. I asked how long they had been dating and she replied "Four months." Now, to me, that's nothing. I've been in two, two year relationships and at four months, you're just starting but that doesn't negate the feeling of betrayal and doesn't mean that she wasn't hurt by what happened. Since she mentioned a bar I thought that she was my age and she looked the part but found out that she is only seventeen.
Hearing that, I offered her words of advice and told her about the breakup I had when I was seventeen. "I dealt with a similiar situation that you went through and we ended up breaking up as well, we were together almost two years. I promise that if I can get through it, you can." She continued talking to me about relationships she had been in in her earlier years of high school. We got to talking about moving on and I explained that I have been in another two year relationship since the one I was in in highschool.
Now, thinking about it is crazy. I've spent four years of my life in a relationship. Majority of high school and college have been spent dedicated to two people. I'm not saying that I at all regret that because I don't. I fell in love with both of them but both of those relationships are over and I'm still only twenty-one and here I am, telling a seventeen year old to keep fighting for love. It feels like yesterday that I was seventeen, getting advice from older people and not believing a word they said.
I don't know if she took anything I said to heart or if she's going to listen at all to what I said but it was the first time that I really felt older. I'm not a kid anymore with silly crushes and I don't have a new boyfriend every week. I'm getting older and finding out what I want in someone. I don't look at every guy and think "Damn, he's hot." I don't want someone to just kiss on and hang out with. I want something real and comparing that to my seventeen year old self, it's very different.
I remember how I was four years ago, hell, even a year ago, I was so dependent on a guy. If I didn't have a guy in my life, I was going crazy and never stayed single long. Now, I don't want a guy doing everything for me. I don't need someone to talk to me all day long. I want to be left alone sometimes and I want to be independent. I'm not saying that every seventeen year old is like that because I know they're not but noticing the change in myself today was, well, it was great and it felt good.
I walked into work tonight and when I walked to the hostess stand, there was a conversation going on that I walked into the middle of. It was between my assistant manager and another hostess. From what I heard it was about what I assumed to be her boyfriend. He walked another girl home from a bar but told his girlfriend (the hostess) that nothing happened. Later, he admitted that he had done more with her and had cheated on her.
Throughout the night, we got to talking about this guy and what happened. I asked how long they had been dating and she replied "Four months." Now, to me, that's nothing. I've been in two, two year relationships and at four months, you're just starting but that doesn't negate the feeling of betrayal and doesn't mean that she wasn't hurt by what happened. Since she mentioned a bar I thought that she was my age and she looked the part but found out that she is only seventeen.
Hearing that, I offered her words of advice and told her about the breakup I had when I was seventeen. "I dealt with a similiar situation that you went through and we ended up breaking up as well, we were together almost two years. I promise that if I can get through it, you can." She continued talking to me about relationships she had been in in her earlier years of high school. We got to talking about moving on and I explained that I have been in another two year relationship since the one I was in in highschool.
Now, thinking about it is crazy. I've spent four years of my life in a relationship. Majority of high school and college have been spent dedicated to two people. I'm not saying that I at all regret that because I don't. I fell in love with both of them but both of those relationships are over and I'm still only twenty-one and here I am, telling a seventeen year old to keep fighting for love. It feels like yesterday that I was seventeen, getting advice from older people and not believing a word they said.
I don't know if she took anything I said to heart or if she's going to listen at all to what I said but it was the first time that I really felt older. I'm not a kid anymore with silly crushes and I don't have a new boyfriend every week. I'm getting older and finding out what I want in someone. I don't look at every guy and think "Damn, he's hot." I don't want someone to just kiss on and hang out with. I want something real and comparing that to my seventeen year old self, it's very different.
I remember how I was four years ago, hell, even a year ago, I was so dependent on a guy. If I didn't have a guy in my life, I was going crazy and never stayed single long. Now, I don't want a guy doing everything for me. I don't need someone to talk to me all day long. I want to be left alone sometimes and I want to be independent. I'm not saying that every seventeen year old is like that because I know they're not but noticing the change in myself today was, well, it was great and it felt good.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Moving In.
Considering that it is 2:28am, that means that it's Wednesday. School is only six days away from starting. I just came back up to Boone and met one of my new roommates, Laura. I met Mary Claire a couple of weeks ago when I moved in all of my belongings. Both of the girls seem very nice and friendly, quite a change from the roommate I had to deal with last year. I'm really excited to get to know all three of the girls and create friendships with them.
It's been eight months since I've been in school and the maximum amount of hours that I have taken in any of my past semesters is 16. This semester, I am playing "catch-up" and taking 18 hours. World Literature, British Literature, Abnormal Psychology, the Psychology of Human Growth and Development, Spanish 4 and my Junior year English class. Phew... on top of all of that, I am taking on a job. I'm a hostess at The Peddler Steakhouse. I completed my last day of training today and start to do it on my own tomorrow. My coworkers are great and my managers are incredibly nice and very flexible in helping out my schedule.
Since I am going back to school, I have to be financially independent. My parents have cut me off but I am not resentful, not at all. I want to be independent and make it on my own and now.. well, here's my chance. I paid my rent, credit card bill, phone bill, bought groceries, a new printer and put more money down on my laptop that I still owe Best Buy money for. I did all of that and I still have a little over $200 on my own money in the bank. Not bad right? I sure hope not. Money is my biggest stressor right now.
I'm not worried about my friends, social life, job, ex boyfriends, new boyfriends, roommates, or school. No, I'm most worried about money. I think that's the most common worry of any college student but the difference is MOST of them have their parents paying for the big stuff. Entering the real world is rough and I know that this is just a toe across the line in comparison to what's really out there. That's the scary part.
Moving back to Boone has brought back a lot of memories, some really good and some not so much. However; I am hoping that during the remainder of my time in school, I create better memories and am able to support myself. Even if that means eating Ramen Noodles for months on end.
It's been eight months since I've been in school and the maximum amount of hours that I have taken in any of my past semesters is 16. This semester, I am playing "catch-up" and taking 18 hours. World Literature, British Literature, Abnormal Psychology, the Psychology of Human Growth and Development, Spanish 4 and my Junior year English class. Phew... on top of all of that, I am taking on a job. I'm a hostess at The Peddler Steakhouse. I completed my last day of training today and start to do it on my own tomorrow. My coworkers are great and my managers are incredibly nice and very flexible in helping out my schedule.
Since I am going back to school, I have to be financially independent. My parents have cut me off but I am not resentful, not at all. I want to be independent and make it on my own and now.. well, here's my chance. I paid my rent, credit card bill, phone bill, bought groceries, a new printer and put more money down on my laptop that I still owe Best Buy money for. I did all of that and I still have a little over $200 on my own money in the bank. Not bad right? I sure hope not. Money is my biggest stressor right now.
I'm not worried about my friends, social life, job, ex boyfriends, new boyfriends, roommates, or school. No, I'm most worried about money. I think that's the most common worry of any college student but the difference is MOST of them have their parents paying for the big stuff. Entering the real world is rough and I know that this is just a toe across the line in comparison to what's really out there. That's the scary part.
Moving back to Boone has brought back a lot of memories, some really good and some not so much. However; I am hoping that during the remainder of my time in school, I create better memories and am able to support myself. Even if that means eating Ramen Noodles for months on end.
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