WTH

This week has been an eye opener for me. I got a phone call that I thought only existed in Hollywood movies. The person on the other line told me that they were going to end their life and they were blaming me as a large part of the reason why.

Me and this individual have a history together, a short one but a history nonetheless. He fell in love with me and he was the perfect guy. He is the kind of guy that girls dream of having but he wasn't for me in the place I am in my life right now. I need to focus on school and what is going on today without worrying about what the future holds for me in regards to marriage, kids, etc. We ended but kept in contact, we were civil to one another. Questions about the other one's day were asked and small talk was made.

A couple of nights ago, my beloved Johnny Brusco's claimed that it was their last night open. I felt a chapter of my life close, I had always gone back to that restaurant. It was the place that I ran to when I had a problem or where I would go to when money was tight and I knew I could snag a shift. I loved my boss, I loved my coworkers and that's where I met this said individual.

He was a manager and so when we closed, I know that it crushed him. I can totally understand the pain he was going through. He lost his girl and within a week, he lost his job. It makes sense to be upset about that and wonder why life has thrown so many obstacles his way.

However; I got the phone call that said he was going to end his life. He told me that his whole world didn't make sense anymore, nothing he did mattered and therefore; he was closing the final chapter of his life. Of course, I began to go into a panic. I knew that he was very intoxicated but never have I been faced with such a situation. I had someone I cared about telling me that because of what I did, he was going to end his life. A million thoughts went through my head, I even contemplated just saying that we could get back together and he'd be fine. That was my main concern, that he was fine.

He told me that he was going to walk in front of a speeding car on a highway and that would be the way. All he could keep telling me was how selfish I am, how manipulative I am towards guys and how I never cared because if I did, I would have been in Charlotte and not Boone. I tried so hard to remain calm, I tried to speak softly and give him words of encouragement. I asked him multiple times to pull over or go home. He would only pull over if I answered one question, "Why didn't we work out?"

Long story short, he's alive and fine. He drove home and is okay. He has not spoken to me since he hung up on me but he did call my brother so I know he's all right. I am so furious with him though. How do you do that to someone you "love" so much? How can you play with your life like that? I mean maybe I am selfish and manipulative. Maybe I am a bitch and I do only look for guys that want to get into my pants rather than my heart. Maybe. But even if those facts were true, why did he love me then? Could he have loved me if I was those things? No. I'm not those things. I am not selfish nor manipulative. I do want a relationship and to fall in love but I have a guarded heart because of bullshit like this.

I have had boyfriends cheat on me, make me face decisions that I shouldn't have had to make and now I've had one that threatened suicide. Not the best track record and that's a lot of baggage to dump on someone. I try so hard to be a kind and loving person, so what did I do to deserve this? Yes, I'm being selfish right now because I don't know what else to do. I want him to get help because I do care about him. Last night was one of the scariest nights I've ever gone through. Not because of what happened but the possibilities of where the night could have gone. I truly hope that he recovers from the losses he's had and is able to move on. I hope we both are.

Break ups 101

There should be a class for guys and girls about breaking up. How to deal with it, what to expect, how to do it nicely, how to move on, etc.

I have had so many friends come to me with problems in their relationships or come to me and say they were broken up with or broke up with someone. It's heartbreaking!

I went through my "Notes" on Facebook and laughed at how pathetic I used to be. I was so wrapped up in what it meant to have a boyfriend that loved me. I kissed his ass and everyone could see. I read a note that I wrote to my now ex boyfriend when we hit a year and it was disgusting. It didn't even sound like me! I was first of all, appalled at how I wrote it and secondly, how up his ass I was. I made him out to be this prince and I kissed the ground he walked on. He said "Jump!" and I said "How high, baby?" with adoring eyes, butterflies in my chest and the thoughts of "How lucky am I?" going through my head.

Gross.

I'm so glad that I'm out of that stage. No wonder he left me, I was annoying! But, I had to go through that to get to where I am and to all you women out there, you'll get there too. I promise! :)

Breaking down walls

So, I really thought that since my break up with Leander, I have learned to become more independent and not so reliant on a man. This is definitely true. I live my life now but how I want and not the wants of others and I've become more motivated to do my schoolwork and go to class. I am financially independent from my parents and am balancing school, work and friends. The problem I have and I feel like it's left over from being with him are these walls. I find it incredibly hard to open up to a guy. I talk myself out of liking him and tell myself all the reasons it won't work. That's stupid, ridiculous and any other synonym you can think of.

But! What if it's not stupid? What if the reason that I'm so closed up to men is because I haven't found the one that's worth breaking down the walls for? I was talking to Shannon about this because she's in a very happy relationship, as well as her sister, Britt. Both are my best friends and I see them so happy with their boyfriends. They both are saying the L word and can't help but smile when they talk about their boyfriends. We were talking about how both of them just fit with their boyfriends as a couple, they just work together so well and it's obvious why to everyone. I asked Shannon who I "fit" with and who she said, I would never have guessed would be her answer.

It was not the person that I am currently seeing. I can't help but wonder.. how do you know when you love someone? I mean, I am very confident that I have been in love before. Now, I know it's silly to say that because I'm only 21 so what do I know? Right? But each of the guys that I said "I love you" to have a place in my heart that I won't and can't forget, no matter the amount of months or years that have passed. That doesn't mean that I want to be with them but it just means that they have had an impact on my heart more so than any other guy and made me feel a way that I never had before. The question in my head makes sense only up there, it's just how do you know if you could fall in love with someone when you're fighting every reason to even be with them? Maybe that's the answer within itself..

I am a very stubborn person, I won't be in a committed relationship with just anyone. It takes a lot for me to say "Yes, I will be loyal and devoted to you and only you." Not that I want to go sleep around and date every guy I see but that, for me to fall in love, it takes a lot. I have crushes all the time and within a week, they're gone. For me to like someone and let alone love them, that's rare. I turn into a different person when I'm in love, at least I feel like I did with Leander. I put his needs ahead of my own and made him priority over myself. The woman I am now, would not and will not do that again. It's not his fault that I did that but my own. I would sacrifice my own feelings to make him happy. I just want and need to be with someone that we have so much passion and chemistry, the rest just takes care of itself. You know?

I don't really know where I was going with this rant... I just have a lot of feelings and conflicts in my head. Writing them down, helped even if it didn't make any sense.

It's a struggle but in the end, I know it'll be worth it. :)

The Road Not Taken

This is a poem that I am using for my Theory Paper but also one that should be read and thought about. It's "The Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost.

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;	5
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,	10
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.	15
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Antisocial.

I was really excited to come back to App State and I'm glad I'm back. I love being back up here but I feel so anti-social. Last semester I was here, I was out doing something all the time and I was constantly surrounded by friends. This semester, I enjoy being alone and it's weird. I feel like a huge part of me wants to go out and be social but now this small, dominating part wants to stay in. But, by doing that, I feel like I'm missing out on the "college experience" that I'm supposed to be having. When I was home for a semester, my parents constantly got on me because I was always out with someone doing something. Now, I'm usually at my apartment. I guess it's good because it gives me time to work on my school work which is piling on but at the same time, I don't want to miss out on opportunities. I guess I was just so used to being surrounded by my best friends but now, they have their own school work to do and their own friends. I'm not upset with them by any means but I guess it just kinda sucks. I have friends up here and I really like my roommates but my energy to go out is next to nothing.

I'm like my mommy!

It's been a while since I've written, I've been fighting the awful cold/flu that has been going around. My family got it, passed it to me, I went home again and gave it back. It's an awful cycle and being in class only makes it worse when you're in a closed room with other students who are sick! The weather in Boone isn't helping either. It's been a mild winter, barely any snow but that hasn't stopped the overcast days and the rain. I'd rather be in a Winter Wonderland than a Soggy Mess.

Anyway, today was an interesting day. In my Abnormal Psychology class, we learned about OCD and immediately my mom popped into my head. We always pick on her for being OCD but today, I realized that I also have some OCD tendencies. Growing up, kids always refuse to believe they are anything like their parents and I did the same. I always heard, "Kyra, you look just like your mom." Or I would hear my mom say, "Watch, you're going to end up being an English major." In order to spite her, I decided to become a Psychology major and then changed to a Pre-Art major before realizing, my passion is and has always been English, just like my mom. So, now we shared something in common but until today, I didn't realize how much in common we really share. I have never thought of myself as OCD and I still don't but the fact that I have any similarities to the same disorder my mom has is interesting to me. I never realized any of my quirks until they were pointed out to me. I eat my food in a specific order. For example, if I were to have steak, mashed potatoes, asparagus and apple pie for dinner, I would eat each item of food completely until moving on to the next. I would finish the steak before moving on to mashed potatoes and so on. I very rarely mix my food and I never thought that was "abnormal" until my grandma pointed it out to me. I shower the same way every time. I shampoo, and while the shampoo is in my hair, I wash my body, then I rinse the shampoo, and put in the conditioner. While the conditioner is in my hair, I shave my legs. I rinse completely and get out of the shower. I never switch it up and it never changes, I mean I didn't really think there were multiple ways to take a shower but then it was pointed out to me that I never change it, not even by a beat. The most interesting new quirk I've discovered is my writing. Not writing like this but while I am watching TV, I will write certain words with my finger on either myself, a friend's arm or my laptop if I'm watching NetFlix. I didn't notice it until I heard "Kyra, what are you writing?" and then I saw my fingers moving and I had to finish the word I was writing. It's weird but so cool. I don't mind at all being like my mom, I hope I end up a lot like her and then my daughter can tell me about all of the weird quirks she has similar to mine! :)