WTH

This week has been an eye opener for me. I got a phone call that I thought only existed in Hollywood movies. The person on the other line told me that they were going to end their life and they were blaming me as a large part of the reason why.

Me and this individual have a history together, a short one but a history nonetheless. He fell in love with me and he was the perfect guy. He is the kind of guy that girls dream of having but he wasn't for me in the place I am in my life right now. I need to focus on school and what is going on today without worrying about what the future holds for me in regards to marriage, kids, etc. We ended but kept in contact, we were civil to one another. Questions about the other one's day were asked and small talk was made.

A couple of nights ago, my beloved Johnny Brusco's claimed that it was their last night open. I felt a chapter of my life close, I had always gone back to that restaurant. It was the place that I ran to when I had a problem or where I would go to when money was tight and I knew I could snag a shift. I loved my boss, I loved my coworkers and that's where I met this said individual.

He was a manager and so when we closed, I know that it crushed him. I can totally understand the pain he was going through. He lost his girl and within a week, he lost his job. It makes sense to be upset about that and wonder why life has thrown so many obstacles his way.

However; I got the phone call that said he was going to end his life. He told me that his whole world didn't make sense anymore, nothing he did mattered and therefore; he was closing the final chapter of his life. Of course, I began to go into a panic. I knew that he was very intoxicated but never have I been faced with such a situation. I had someone I cared about telling me that because of what I did, he was going to end his life. A million thoughts went through my head, I even contemplated just saying that we could get back together and he'd be fine. That was my main concern, that he was fine.

He told me that he was going to walk in front of a speeding car on a highway and that would be the way. All he could keep telling me was how selfish I am, how manipulative I am towards guys and how I never cared because if I did, I would have been in Charlotte and not Boone. I tried so hard to remain calm, I tried to speak softly and give him words of encouragement. I asked him multiple times to pull over or go home. He would only pull over if I answered one question, "Why didn't we work out?"

Long story short, he's alive and fine. He drove home and is okay. He has not spoken to me since he hung up on me but he did call my brother so I know he's all right. I am so furious with him though. How do you do that to someone you "love" so much? How can you play with your life like that? I mean maybe I am selfish and manipulative. Maybe I am a bitch and I do only look for guys that want to get into my pants rather than my heart. Maybe. But even if those facts were true, why did he love me then? Could he have loved me if I was those things? No. I'm not those things. I am not selfish nor manipulative. I do want a relationship and to fall in love but I have a guarded heart because of bullshit like this.

I have had boyfriends cheat on me, make me face decisions that I shouldn't have had to make and now I've had one that threatened suicide. Not the best track record and that's a lot of baggage to dump on someone. I try so hard to be a kind and loving person, so what did I do to deserve this? Yes, I'm being selfish right now because I don't know what else to do. I want him to get help because I do care about him. Last night was one of the scariest nights I've ever gone through. Not because of what happened but the possibilities of where the night could have gone. I truly hope that he recovers from the losses he's had and is able to move on. I hope we both are.