Breaking down walls

So, I really thought that since my break up with Leander, I have learned to become more independent and not so reliant on a man. This is definitely true. I live my life now but how I want and not the wants of others and I've become more motivated to do my schoolwork and go to class. I am financially independent from my parents and am balancing school, work and friends. The problem I have and I feel like it's left over from being with him are these walls. I find it incredibly hard to open up to a guy. I talk myself out of liking him and tell myself all the reasons it won't work. That's stupid, ridiculous and any other synonym you can think of.

But! What if it's not stupid? What if the reason that I'm so closed up to men is because I haven't found the one that's worth breaking down the walls for? I was talking to Shannon about this because she's in a very happy relationship, as well as her sister, Britt. Both are my best friends and I see them so happy with their boyfriends. They both are saying the L word and can't help but smile when they talk about their boyfriends. We were talking about how both of them just fit with their boyfriends as a couple, they just work together so well and it's obvious why to everyone. I asked Shannon who I "fit" with and who she said, I would never have guessed would be her answer.

It was not the person that I am currently seeing. I can't help but wonder.. how do you know when you love someone? I mean, I am very confident that I have been in love before. Now, I know it's silly to say that because I'm only 21 so what do I know? Right? But each of the guys that I said "I love you" to have a place in my heart that I won't and can't forget, no matter the amount of months or years that have passed. That doesn't mean that I want to be with them but it just means that they have had an impact on my heart more so than any other guy and made me feel a way that I never had before. The question in my head makes sense only up there, it's just how do you know if you could fall in love with someone when you're fighting every reason to even be with them? Maybe that's the answer within itself..

I am a very stubborn person, I won't be in a committed relationship with just anyone. It takes a lot for me to say "Yes, I will be loyal and devoted to you and only you." Not that I want to go sleep around and date every guy I see but that, for me to fall in love, it takes a lot. I have crushes all the time and within a week, they're gone. For me to like someone and let alone love them, that's rare. I turn into a different person when I'm in love, at least I feel like I did with Leander. I put his needs ahead of my own and made him priority over myself. The woman I am now, would not and will not do that again. It's not his fault that I did that but my own. I would sacrifice my own feelings to make him happy. I just want and need to be with someone that we have so much passion and chemistry, the rest just takes care of itself. You know?

I don't really know where I was going with this rant... I just have a lot of feelings and conflicts in my head. Writing them down, helped even if it didn't make any sense.

It's a struggle but in the end, I know it'll be worth it. :)