Oh boys.

I like a boy and I don't like it. I don't like it at all actually. Or maybe I do. I don't know, it definitely depends on the day. Sometimes, I long to have a relationship and be committed to someone. I look at all these happy couples and I feel envious, remembering what love felt like. Then, other days, I see the couples that are miserable together and decide that I don't want someone.

I think the major thing is that I am terrified of opening myself up to someone because I have been in that "happy couple" relationship and ended up becoming part of the "miserable couple." I've dealt with both ends and right now, I don't know if I'm ready to do it again. It's been a year since I was in a real relationship (excluding the small time with James) and since I was head over heels in love. Why am I not ready for something real? Or am I and I'm just scared?

Ugh.. too much to think about on Spring Break. :)

WTH

This week has been an eye opener for me. I got a phone call that I thought only existed in Hollywood movies. The person on the other line told me that they were going to end their life and they were blaming me as a large part of the reason why.

Me and this individual have a history together, a short one but a history nonetheless. He fell in love with me and he was the perfect guy. He is the kind of guy that girls dream of having but he wasn't for me in the place I am in my life right now. I need to focus on school and what is going on today without worrying about what the future holds for me in regards to marriage, kids, etc. We ended but kept in contact, we were civil to one another. Questions about the other one's day were asked and small talk was made.

A couple of nights ago, my beloved Johnny Brusco's claimed that it was their last night open. I felt a chapter of my life close, I had always gone back to that restaurant. It was the place that I ran to when I had a problem or where I would go to when money was tight and I knew I could snag a shift. I loved my boss, I loved my coworkers and that's where I met this said individual.

He was a manager and so when we closed, I know that it crushed him. I can totally understand the pain he was going through. He lost his girl and within a week, he lost his job. It makes sense to be upset about that and wonder why life has thrown so many obstacles his way.

However; I got the phone call that said he was going to end his life. He told me that his whole world didn't make sense anymore, nothing he did mattered and therefore; he was closing the final chapter of his life. Of course, I began to go into a panic. I knew that he was very intoxicated but never have I been faced with such a situation. I had someone I cared about telling me that because of what I did, he was going to end his life. A million thoughts went through my head, I even contemplated just saying that we could get back together and he'd be fine. That was my main concern, that he was fine.

He told me that he was going to walk in front of a speeding car on a highway and that would be the way. All he could keep telling me was how selfish I am, how manipulative I am towards guys and how I never cared because if I did, I would have been in Charlotte and not Boone. I tried so hard to remain calm, I tried to speak softly and give him words of encouragement. I asked him multiple times to pull over or go home. He would only pull over if I answered one question, "Why didn't we work out?"

Long story short, he's alive and fine. He drove home and is okay. He has not spoken to me since he hung up on me but he did call my brother so I know he's all right. I am so furious with him though. How do you do that to someone you "love" so much? How can you play with your life like that? I mean maybe I am selfish and manipulative. Maybe I am a bitch and I do only look for guys that want to get into my pants rather than my heart. Maybe. But even if those facts were true, why did he love me then? Could he have loved me if I was those things? No. I'm not those things. I am not selfish nor manipulative. I do want a relationship and to fall in love but I have a guarded heart because of bullshit like this.

I have had boyfriends cheat on me, make me face decisions that I shouldn't have had to make and now I've had one that threatened suicide. Not the best track record and that's a lot of baggage to dump on someone. I try so hard to be a kind and loving person, so what did I do to deserve this? Yes, I'm being selfish right now because I don't know what else to do. I want him to get help because I do care about him. Last night was one of the scariest nights I've ever gone through. Not because of what happened but the possibilities of where the night could have gone. I truly hope that he recovers from the losses he's had and is able to move on. I hope we both are.

Break ups 101

There should be a class for guys and girls about breaking up. How to deal with it, what to expect, how to do it nicely, how to move on, etc.

I have had so many friends come to me with problems in their relationships or come to me and say they were broken up with or broke up with someone. It's heartbreaking!

I went through my "Notes" on Facebook and laughed at how pathetic I used to be. I was so wrapped up in what it meant to have a boyfriend that loved me. I kissed his ass and everyone could see. I read a note that I wrote to my now ex boyfriend when we hit a year and it was disgusting. It didn't even sound like me! I was first of all, appalled at how I wrote it and secondly, how up his ass I was. I made him out to be this prince and I kissed the ground he walked on. He said "Jump!" and I said "How high, baby?" with adoring eyes, butterflies in my chest and the thoughts of "How lucky am I?" going through my head.

Gross.

I'm so glad that I'm out of that stage. No wonder he left me, I was annoying! But, I had to go through that to get to where I am and to all you women out there, you'll get there too. I promise! :)

Breaking down walls

So, I really thought that since my break up with Leander, I have learned to become more independent and not so reliant on a man. This is definitely true. I live my life now but how I want and not the wants of others and I've become more motivated to do my schoolwork and go to class. I am financially independent from my parents and am balancing school, work and friends. The problem I have and I feel like it's left over from being with him are these walls. I find it incredibly hard to open up to a guy. I talk myself out of liking him and tell myself all the reasons it won't work. That's stupid, ridiculous and any other synonym you can think of.

But! What if it's not stupid? What if the reason that I'm so closed up to men is because I haven't found the one that's worth breaking down the walls for? I was talking to Shannon about this because she's in a very happy relationship, as well as her sister, Britt. Both are my best friends and I see them so happy with their boyfriends. They both are saying the L word and can't help but smile when they talk about their boyfriends. We were talking about how both of them just fit with their boyfriends as a couple, they just work together so well and it's obvious why to everyone. I asked Shannon who I "fit" with and who she said, I would never have guessed would be her answer.

It was not the person that I am currently seeing. I can't help but wonder.. how do you know when you love someone? I mean, I am very confident that I have been in love before. Now, I know it's silly to say that because I'm only 21 so what do I know? Right? But each of the guys that I said "I love you" to have a place in my heart that I won't and can't forget, no matter the amount of months or years that have passed. That doesn't mean that I want to be with them but it just means that they have had an impact on my heart more so than any other guy and made me feel a way that I never had before. The question in my head makes sense only up there, it's just how do you know if you could fall in love with someone when you're fighting every reason to even be with them? Maybe that's the answer within itself..

I am a very stubborn person, I won't be in a committed relationship with just anyone. It takes a lot for me to say "Yes, I will be loyal and devoted to you and only you." Not that I want to go sleep around and date every guy I see but that, for me to fall in love, it takes a lot. I have crushes all the time and within a week, they're gone. For me to like someone and let alone love them, that's rare. I turn into a different person when I'm in love, at least I feel like I did with Leander. I put his needs ahead of my own and made him priority over myself. The woman I am now, would not and will not do that again. It's not his fault that I did that but my own. I would sacrifice my own feelings to make him happy. I just want and need to be with someone that we have so much passion and chemistry, the rest just takes care of itself. You know?

I don't really know where I was going with this rant... I just have a lot of feelings and conflicts in my head. Writing them down, helped even if it didn't make any sense.

It's a struggle but in the end, I know it'll be worth it. :)

The Road Not Taken

This is a poem that I am using for my Theory Paper but also one that should be read and thought about. It's "The Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost.

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;	5
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,	10
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.	15
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Antisocial.

I was really excited to come back to App State and I'm glad I'm back. I love being back up here but I feel so anti-social. Last semester I was here, I was out doing something all the time and I was constantly surrounded by friends. This semester, I enjoy being alone and it's weird. I feel like a huge part of me wants to go out and be social but now this small, dominating part wants to stay in. But, by doing that, I feel like I'm missing out on the "college experience" that I'm supposed to be having. When I was home for a semester, my parents constantly got on me because I was always out with someone doing something. Now, I'm usually at my apartment. I guess it's good because it gives me time to work on my school work which is piling on but at the same time, I don't want to miss out on opportunities. I guess I was just so used to being surrounded by my best friends but now, they have their own school work to do and their own friends. I'm not upset with them by any means but I guess it just kinda sucks. I have friends up here and I really like my roommates but my energy to go out is next to nothing.

I'm like my mommy!

It's been a while since I've written, I've been fighting the awful cold/flu that has been going around. My family got it, passed it to me, I went home again and gave it back. It's an awful cycle and being in class only makes it worse when you're in a closed room with other students who are sick! The weather in Boone isn't helping either. It's been a mild winter, barely any snow but that hasn't stopped the overcast days and the rain. I'd rather be in a Winter Wonderland than a Soggy Mess.

Anyway, today was an interesting day. In my Abnormal Psychology class, we learned about OCD and immediately my mom popped into my head. We always pick on her for being OCD but today, I realized that I also have some OCD tendencies. Growing up, kids always refuse to believe they are anything like their parents and I did the same. I always heard, "Kyra, you look just like your mom." Or I would hear my mom say, "Watch, you're going to end up being an English major." In order to spite her, I decided to become a Psychology major and then changed to a Pre-Art major before realizing, my passion is and has always been English, just like my mom. So, now we shared something in common but until today, I didn't realize how much in common we really share. I have never thought of myself as OCD and I still don't but the fact that I have any similarities to the same disorder my mom has is interesting to me. I never realized any of my quirks until they were pointed out to me. I eat my food in a specific order. For example, if I were to have steak, mashed potatoes, asparagus and apple pie for dinner, I would eat each item of food completely until moving on to the next. I would finish the steak before moving on to mashed potatoes and so on. I very rarely mix my food and I never thought that was "abnormal" until my grandma pointed it out to me. I shower the same way every time. I shampoo, and while the shampoo is in my hair, I wash my body, then I rinse the shampoo, and put in the conditioner. While the conditioner is in my hair, I shave my legs. I rinse completely and get out of the shower. I never switch it up and it never changes, I mean I didn't really think there were multiple ways to take a shower but then it was pointed out to me that I never change it, not even by a beat. The most interesting new quirk I've discovered is my writing. Not writing like this but while I am watching TV, I will write certain words with my finger on either myself, a friend's arm or my laptop if I'm watching NetFlix. I didn't notice it until I heard "Kyra, what are you writing?" and then I saw my fingers moving and I had to finish the word I was writing. It's weird but so cool. I don't mind at all being like my mom, I hope I end up a lot like her and then my daughter can tell me about all of the weird quirks she has similar to mine! :)

I fit in!

Great weekend. I actually got to spend some time with my roommates and a couple people from work. I feel like I'm finally settling into here. :)

Classes and love.

I started classes and they're all going pretty well, so far. I haven't had World Literature, it was cancelled for the week but that didn't stop my teacher from assigning a bunch of homework. I had to drop my British Literature class and pick up English Literature. Apparently, it's focused towards English majors so I'll have that for the first time tomorrow. I'm nervous, I have never changed my schedule therefore; I've never missed the first day of class. Fingers crossed all goes well. I can already tell from my planner that I will have a very busy semester. My financial situation worked out, I got my refund check and it was twice as much as I thought it would be. THAT was a huge stress reliever for me and on top of that, my loans were deferred until I graduate so I'm set! No more freaking out for me, everything worked out.

On another note, I know that I said that I wasn't worried about boys this year.. well, anyone who is a girl and reading this knows that I was full of shit. Boys will always be a part of my life, especially since majority of my friends are guys and well, I got to school with a number of people that I was once involved with. Also, I have a lot of girl friends that come to me and talk to me about their exes, current boyfriends and potential partners. With that, I have a question. Can exes be friends? Or is it just destined that exes walk past each other like they don't know each other. I have always tried to be friends with my exes no matter how significant or insignificant our relationship was. The way I see it is that a relationship is made of two people who have decided to commit themselves to each other. They are monogamous and faithful to one person, enjoying each other's company and growing together. Now, growing together doesn't always happen and some couples end up growing apart. At that time, they decide to split ways.

I have only been in long-term relationships so I may see it differently than some but I know that when Alex and I broke up, we still talked. We were together for two years, after that amount of time, how do you just cut someone out of your life like they never existed? Alex and I are friends and he talks to me about his current girlfriend without it bothering me. At one point, we were in love, but just because we aren't now doesn't mean that a friendship can be formed. Right? We chose to be in each other's lives for a reason. Having a platonic relationship doesn't mean that the reasons don't exist anymore. I started dating him because he made me laugh and was easy to get along with. We just worked and those are the same reasons that I have kept him as a friend.

That's how I've always thought but now I'm beginning to see that maybe that's not how it is. Maybe I've been crazy to think that exes can be friends with one another. I've passed one of my exes three times in the past 24hours and it's like the two years we shared never happened. He seems like a stranger now. An onlooker would have no idea that at one point, our lives crossed paths let alone that we were in love with each other. A part of me yearns to have a friendship with him, to have the ability to talk to him about his life and what has happened in the past 10 months since our final goodbye. I know that he has a new girlfriend, they've been dating almost the same amount of time that we've been broken up. I've known about her and have moved on from him and yet, the silence remains between us. However; the other part is thinking that maybe this is how it is supposed to be. My dad once told me, "When you were really in love with someone, you can't just be friends with them."

F this.. I'm moving back home.

I really thought that I could handle being financially independent. I registered for classes on my own, got FAFSA set up, found an apartment for cheap and got a job setup. I thought that I could do this and now, I don't think I can. I should have gone to UNCC like my parents told me to and kept my job at Johnny Brusco's. In a 6 hour shift at JB's, I walked out the door with $86 in my pocket. I work a 4 1/2 shift at The Peddler and I wait two weeks for a paycheck getting paid minumum wage. Don't get me wrong, I love my new job and I am really enjoying meeting all of my new coworkers but my ends won't be met. I'm considering getting a second job on top of my school work because I'm freaking out. I have loans so I can go to school and apparently taking a semester off screwed me over. I owe $200 on my loans right now, I barely have that in my bank account and once February 1st comes, so do the bills for my phone, credit card, rent, utilities, and my laptop. Someone please tell me how I can turn the $300 that I have into $1000 in... oh let's say, about two weeks.

Growing up.

Today, I just realized that I am twenty-one. I knew that I could buy drinks legally and get into bars after 10pm. I've known that I was twenty-one, it was an age that I wanted to get to since I turned fifteen. That's not what I mean.

I walked into work tonight and when I walked to the hostess stand, there was a conversation going on that I walked into the middle of. It was between my assistant manager and another hostess. From what I heard it was about what I assumed to be her boyfriend. He walked another girl home from a bar but told his girlfriend (the hostess) that nothing happened. Later, he admitted that he had done more with her and had cheated on her.

Throughout the night, we got to talking about this guy and what happened. I asked how long they had been dating and she replied "Four months." Now, to me, that's nothing. I've been in two, two year relationships and at four months, you're just starting but that doesn't negate the feeling of betrayal and doesn't mean that she wasn't hurt by what happened. Since she mentioned a bar I thought that she was my age and she looked the part but found out that she is only seventeen.

Hearing that, I offered her words of advice and told her about the breakup I had when I was seventeen. "I dealt with a similiar situation that you went through and we ended up breaking up as well, we were together almost two years. I promise that if I can get through it, you can." She continued talking to me about relationships she had been in in her earlier years of high school. We got to talking about moving on and I explained that I have been in another two year relationship since the one I was in in highschool.

Now, thinking about it is crazy. I've spent four years of my life in a relationship. Majority of high school and college have been spent dedicated to two people. I'm not saying that I at all regret that because I don't. I fell in love with both of them but both of those relationships are over and I'm still only twenty-one and here I am, telling a seventeen year old to keep fighting for love. It feels like yesterday that I was seventeen, getting advice from older people and not believing a word they said.

I don't know if she took anything I said to heart or if she's going to listen at all to what I said but it was the first time that I really felt older. I'm not a kid anymore with silly crushes and I don't have a new boyfriend every week. I'm getting older and finding out what I want in someone. I don't look at every guy and think "Damn, he's hot." I don't want someone to just kiss on and hang out with. I want something real and comparing that to my seventeen year old self, it's very different.

I remember how I was four years ago, hell, even a year ago, I was so dependent on a guy. If I didn't have a guy in my life, I was going crazy and never stayed single long. Now, I don't want a guy doing everything for me. I don't need someone to talk to me all day long. I want to be left alone sometimes and I want to be independent. I'm not saying that every seventeen year old is like that because I know they're not but noticing the change in myself today was, well, it was great and it felt good.

Moving In.

Considering that it is 2:28am, that means that it's Wednesday. School is only six days away from starting. I just came back up to Boone and met one of my new roommates, Laura. I met Mary Claire a couple of weeks ago when I moved in all of my belongings. Both of the girls seem very nice and friendly, quite a change from the roommate I had to deal with last year. I'm really excited to get to know all three of the girls and create friendships with them.

It's been eight months since I've been in school and the maximum amount of hours that I have taken in any of my past semesters is 16. This semester, I am playing "catch-up" and taking 18 hours. World Literature, British Literature, Abnormal Psychology, the Psychology of Human Growth and Development, Spanish 4 and my Junior year English class. Phew... on top of all of that, I am taking on a job. I'm a hostess at The Peddler Steakhouse. I completed my last day of training today and start to do it on my own tomorrow. My coworkers are great and my managers are incredibly nice and very flexible in helping out my schedule.

Since I am going back to school, I have to be financially independent. My parents have cut me off but I am not resentful, not at all. I want to be independent and make it on my own and now.. well, here's my chance. I paid my rent, credit card bill, phone bill, bought groceries, a new printer and put more money down on my laptop that I still owe Best Buy money for. I did all of that and I still have a little over $200 on my own money in the bank. Not bad right? I sure hope not. Money is my biggest stressor right now.

I'm not worried about my friends, social life, job, ex boyfriends, new boyfriends, roommates, or school. No, I'm most worried about money. I think that's the most common worry of any college student but the difference is MOST of them have their parents paying for the big stuff. Entering the real world is rough and I know that this is just a toe across the line in comparison to what's really out there. That's the scary part.

Moving back to Boone has brought back a lot of memories, some really good and some not so much. However; I am hoping that during the remainder of my time in school, I create better memories and am able to support myself. Even if that means eating Ramen Noodles for months on end.